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Neo Cortex vs Kaos
Description Skylanders vs Crash Bandicoot! Magic vs Science! Which Balding Baddie will prevail? Intro Wiz: 'The Napoleon Complex. Turning midgets into masterminds in the blink of an eye. '''Boomstick: '''And you won’t find any shrimpy psychopaths as ruthless as these two. '''Wiz: 'Dr. Neo Cortex, the Sinister Scientist. '''Boomstick: '''And Kaos, the Dark Portal Master. He’s Wiz and I’m Boomstick. '''Wiz: '''And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle. Cortex (Cue N. Sanity Island) '''Wiz: '''Wumpa Island. An exotic land with beautiful weather, diverse landscape, and, of course, various and interesting flora and fauna. At first glance, it doesn’t seem like anyone or anything could disturb this beautiful island paradise. '''Boomstick: '''Except for this guy. '''Cortex: '''Is… Is this thing on? Yeah? Haha! I’m back, babies! Surrender to Cortex! (Cue Sludge Music) '''Wiz: '''Dr. Neo Periwinkle Cortex— Scratch '''Boomstick: '''PERIWINKLE? HAHAHAHAHAAA! What kind of middle name is that? It’s so freaking ridiculous! HAHAHAHA! '''Wiz: '''Hey, I’ve heard worse middle names than that. '''Boomstick: '''Hah! Yeah, right! What middle name could be stupider than that? '''Wiz: '''Well… there’s yours. '''Boomstick: AGH! Don’t say it! Please for the love of god don’t say it!! Wiz: '''What? You don’t want me to tell everyone your middle name is-- '''Boomstick: '''NOOOOOOOOO—''' Boomstick: 'Apologies, everyone. I just had to take care of my co-host’s big mouth. '''Wiz: '(Muffled) MMMMPH! MMPH! 'Boomstick: '''I’ll take the tape off if you promise to ''NEVER ''mention my middle name again! Er… “Mmph” once for yes, twice for no. '''Wiz: '(Sigh) Mmph. (Boomstick rips the tape off.) 'Wiz: '''AAAAGH! Pant… pant… just stop interrupting me. '''Boomstick: '''Yeah, sure. '''Wiz: '''Anyway… (Cue Sludge Music...Again.) '''Wiz: '''Dr. Neo Cortex was born as the youngest son in a family of circus clowns— '''Boomstick: '''Pfffttt… Heheheh… '''Wiz: '''He was constantly made fun of for reading science books instead of entertaining the patrons in the circus, even to the point of having the letter “N” tattooed on his forehead. '''Boomstick: “'N” for Neo, right? How is that offensive? 'Wiz: '''Actually it was “N” for… nerd. '''Boomstick: '''PFFFFFT!! KKKHHHKHHK!!! '''Wiz: '''Sick of being tormented, a… “Freak explosion” … wiped out the circus, and his entire family, leaving him alone to do whatever he pleased. And what does he decide to do with his new freedom? '''Boomstick: '''Take over the world, of course! '''Wiz: '''With this new dream in mind, he enrolled in “Madame Amberly’s Academy of Evil” in order to improve his proficiency in evil. It was there that he met his two future subordinates, Doctors N. Brio and N. Gin. '''Boomstick: '''Wordplay! '''Wiz: '''However, after more constant bullying by the other students, Cortex and Brio snuck out of the academy and enrolled in High School at the age of 8, thinking they would be revered for being the youngest students in the school. However, lo and behold, the two were once again mocked by the cruel teens in the High School. '''Boomstick: '''This is going to be a trend, isn’t it? '''Wiz: '''However, the lack of a social life shared between the two scientists gave them plenty of time to work on their evil ambitions. With their combined efforts, they created a prototype of the Evolvo Ray, a machine that harnesses an energy force capable of mutating common animals into intelligent super-beasts. '''Boomstick: '''Really? Evolvo Ray? That’s just about as creative of a name as some of Dr. Doofenshmuck’s inventions. '''Dr. Doofenschmirtz: '''The Dog Biscuit-inator! The Junk Food-inator! The Blow-Itself-Up-Inator! '''Wiz: '''I guess. But at least his inventions do what their name implies. When tested, Cortex’s prototype Evolvo Ray sent his two pet parrots, Victor and Moritz, into another dimension. '''Boomstick: '''How do you f*** up ''that ''badly? '''Wiz: '''Anyway, after that mishap, Cortex and Brio had enough mockery and bullying from the highschoolers, so another “freak explosion” happened that wiped out the high school, and the entire freaking nearby town while they- “coincidentally”- were two miles underground in an abandoned plutonium mine far, far away from the detonation. '''Boomstick: '''Something tells me these explosions aren’t very coincidental. '''Wiz: '(Sarcastically) What tipped you off, Holmes? '''Boomstick: '''Don’t get cocky or I’ll put the tape back on. (Cue Darkness Imminent) '''Wiz: '''After that incident, the doctors split up and went on a world-smashing rampage, becoming international criminals and leaving nothing but charred earth in their wake. '''Boomstick: '''How? What did they do? I mean, the closest thing to a big muscle on these guys is their huge-ass heads! Kinda like you! '''Wiz: '''You know as well as I do that physical strength isn’t the only way to make a name for yourself. And I’ll have you know that I could probably kill you if I wanted to! '''Boomstick: '''I think my bunny slippers ran for cover, Wiz. '''Aku Aku: Oh no! Look out Crash! Mr. 100-Pounds gonna get ya! Boomstick: '''Anyways, like my scrawny co-host, Dr. Cortex was self-conscious about his puny physique. After setting up shop on some islands off the coast of Australia, Cortex, realizing he couldn’t kill a fly with his wimpy body, he decided that he would need an army that would do whatever he said. '''Wiz: '''So, together with N. Brio, he created a new and improved Evolvo-Ray that actually ''works, ''and the Cortex Vortex, a device that would bend his mutated soldiers to do his bidding. '''Boomstick: '''With his new gadgets, he kidnapped several of the native flora and fauna off the island, planning to mutate them into an unstoppable army. An army of furries! '''Wiz: '''No! Not an army of furries! '''Boomstick: '''Really? I give you exhibit A. (Shows picture of Tawna) '''Wiz: '''Oh. Well… in his defense, he didn’t have much else to work with. '''Boomstick: '''Anyways, with his army of fursonas, Ol’ N-Head was feeling pretty freakin’ confident… '''Wiz: '''Until he actually tried using the machine. Despite his colleague warning him outright that the machine was not ready… '''Boomstick: '''Cortex said “F*** it.” and jammed one lanky male rodent into his machine. This mistake would prove to be the worst one of his life. '''Wiz: '''Technically, bandicoots are marsupials— '''Boomstick: '''Shut your scientific face up, Wiz. No one cares. Anyways, the bandicoot that he put into the machine was planned to be the general of his army. '''Wiz: '''But, as is the norm with most inventions that ''aren’t ready, ''the Cortex Vortex malfunctioned and his would-be general went renegade and jumped out the window. On the top floor of his castle. Into the ocean. '''Boomstick: '''It’s a video game, Wiz. He probably had another life. '''Wiz: '''Putting his first failure behind him, he began creating other super-powered mutants, like a muscle-bound tiger, a dingo/crocodile hybrid wielding a flamethrower, and a tommy gun toting rat wearing typical mobster clothes. Well… you can’t fault him for lack of creativity. But because Cortex kept his busty bandicoot girlfriend in captivity… '''Boomstick: '''Damn furries… '''Wiz: '''Crash Bandicoot made his way back to meet his maker. After a time, Crash arrives at the castle, blowing it up… somehow, and Cortex finally confronts his original failure atop a zeppelin. Despite Cortex's efforts, Crash managed to blast down his hoverboard and send him falling into a cavern beneath his wrecked castle. However, he managed to survive. From there, he plotted his revenge against his first and worst creation. '''Boomstick: '''So for years, he came up with plan after plan trying to destroy his orange bastard child and take over the world, including travelling through time to get power crystals, creating a bunch of mojo-fueled monster mutants, and even creating a muscle-bound bandicoot clone and powering him with four powerful elemental masks. The ides probably sounded better in his head. '''Wiz: '''Yet with every plan, Cortex was beaten by his creation in the end, growing more and more psychotic with every failure. (Cue Grimly Music) '''Boomstick: '''Well, it’s not like he isn’t trying. He's got plenty of tricks up his lab coat sleeves. Like most scientists, he has multiple ways to float around, including a hoverboard with a built-in force field, a jetpack, and two ankle-mounted rockets that provide him with limited flight. '''Wiz: '''He can also seemingly teleport by vibrating at extreme speeds and can travel across large areas in the blink of an eye. He also is armed with a ray gun that fires multiple different blasts, including disintegration, incineration, stun, and plasma blasts… that can be repelled back. Although it has several uses, eventually, it will run out of ammo. '''Boomstick: '''He also carries a bunch of different explosives, including TNT, Nitroglycerin, Mines, and, of course, classic cartoony bombs. '''Wiz: '''And, of course, being an expert in robotics as well as mutation, he’s created multiple mechs to aid him in his world domination quest. '''Cortex: You should try it! You know, riding around in big rumbling machines and whatnot? Very stimulating! Boomstick: '''Easy, buddy. We already know about your furry fetish, we don’t need to know what… shudder… stimulates you. Fetishes aside, he has crafted a collection of weaponized race cars, the colossal, island-decimating Doominator, and of course, Crash’s hydraulically operated twin brother, Mecha-Bandicoot! (Cue Big Fight #2) This beautiful, bionic beast is decked out head-to-toe in weaponry, with a high-powered chainsaw on its right arm, heat-seeking missile launchers on its left, a set of sharp, steel teeth, and a plasma plaster built into its nose! (Mecha-Bandicoot fires a plasma blast.) '''Boomstick: '''Bless you. '''Wiz: '''But his trump card is actually something that he didn’t invent himself. '''Boomstick: '''One day, after stopping Cortex’s plan to hypnotize and mutate the entire population of Wumpa Island with futuristic smartphone-esque headgear… OK… Crash cornered Cortex in his space station called… “The Space Head.” Snicker Really? That's the best name he could come up with? '''Wiz: '''There, Cortex planned to take Crash on, hand-to-hand, despite his aforementioned… physique. But, of course, he had a card up his sleeve. Before Crash had even made it onto the Space Head, Cortex had swiped borrowed some of Dr. N. Brio’s Mutagen formula to give him an upper hand… '''Boomstick: '''And Holy Hell, did it ever! '''Cortex: '''BLECH! Tastes like peppermint barf! Hmm… there’s a hint of—GHK! Mutates ROOOOOAAAAAAARRR!!! '''Boomstick: '''The mutagen formula transforms Cortex into a hulking beast with power to spare. He can deliver punches hard enough to break apart his space station, he gains a quake-inducing belly flop, and a spin move- similar to his rival’s trademark spin- that renders him invincible. '''Wiz: '''Cortex definitely has brains and a bit of brawn on his side. However, his brain isn't exactly perfect. Cortex is a psychopath in every sense of the word. He’s short tempered, reckless, and doesn’t appear to have a conscience. Not to mention the fact that he’s been driven to insanity due to loss after loss against his bandicoot rival. He also has an inability to plan ahead or learn from his mistakes, often sending his minions to eliminate Crash even though they’ve failed to do so multiple times. '''Boomstick: '''And, even though he talks big, he’s a coward, sending his grunts to do his dirty work and turning into a total wuss in the face of danger. Although, despite the fact that he hasn’t beaten Crash, he’s done some pretty impressive things. He beat his former teacher Madame Amberly in combat, built a machine that shrank Earth to the size of a grapefruit, and he’s durable enough to survive being dragged by Crash, thrown by Crash, swung like a hammer- by Crash- and used as a human sled- by Crash- TWICE- when the two nemeses had to team up to defeat the Evil Twins. '''Wiz: '''Harder to crush than a cockroach and harder to predict than the end of the world, Dr. Neo Cortex is not a mad scientist you want to cross. '''Farmer Ernest: '''Oh, Crash… the Farmer’s Market is tomorrow, and my Wumpa trees won’t grow, for my orchard is riddled with greedy worms. If you rid my land of these pests, I’ll give you this Power Crystal! (Farmer Ernest gets blasted by Cortex) '''Cortex: '''I’m an evil scientist. What’d you expect? This isn’t a game. Kaos (Cue Skylanders Academy) '''Wiz: '''Welcome to Skylands. A world full of wonder and adventure protected by the greatest heroes ever known: The Skylanders. '''Boomstick: '''The most marketable mutants since Pokémon! '''Wiz: '''The Skylanders’ numbers are great, able to hold off multiple powerful foes on their own, and are nearly unstoppable when they combine forces. But one day, every single one of these powerful warriors was defeated and sent light-years away from Skylands at once. '''Boomstick: '''What kind of super-powered thing could wipe out every member of the cartoony X-Men all at once? It would have to be some kind of God! '''Wiz: '''Well… '''Kaos: '''You may have delayed my inevitable victory so far… but now it is time for you to taste the bitter taste of defeat at the hands of Kaos! Dice HAH! Double Wilikins! You’ve all been cast into the never-ending pit of colossal defeat! '''Boomstick: '''Wait… Are you telling me that some Gollum-looking midget with a tattooed scrotum for a face wiped out an entire squad of crazy-powerful mutants in one move? (Cue Darkness Battle Part 2) '''Wiz: '''He may not look like it, but Kaos is an extremely powerful Dark Portal Master. Using the ancient force of the darkness… along with this massive four-headed dragon… Kaos obliterated the Core of Light, killing Skylands’ last Portal Master, Eon, and sending the Skylanders flying through space, transforming them into helpless, toy-like figures. He was on the verge of conquering Skylands… '''Boomstick: '''Until some pre-pubescent Portal Masters found the Skylanders and brought them back to Skylands, rebuilt the Core, and took Kaos down with the power of teamwork… and irony. '''Kaos: '''Hey! Everything’s getting bigger! Wait! I’m getting SMALLEEEEEEEERR!! '''Wiz: '''However, due to being a Portal Master as opposed to a Skylander, Kaos wasn’t trapped on Earth for long. With the help of his abused butler, Glumshanks, Kaos was back with a new plan and new powers. '''Boomstick: '''And he’s got plenty of powers to begin with! He channels the power of the darkness through his head-thing to use a bunch of different magical attacks. '''Wiz: '''Head-thing? Really? '''Boomstick: '''Don’t yell at me! That’s what he calls it! '''Kaos: '''NO! My thing! '''Wiz: '''Huh… (Cue Baron Shellshock Boss) '''Wiz: '''Anyways, Kaos’ magical attacks range from basic energy projectiles to magic bolts of energy… '''Boomstick: '''To summoning WAVES OF FREAKING SHARKS! That’s right! No matter what surface he’s on, be it water, tile, or even solid stone, he can send a group of fish made of thousands of years’ worth of streamlined evolution to eat anything in their path! '''Wiz: '''While that… is impressive, the sharks, once summoned, only go in one direction, and if an opponent dodges them narrowly, the sharks heal them… somehow. '''Boomstick: '''Sigh… I suppose no shark is perfect. '''Wiz: '''Kaos can create elemental disks can harness 8 of the 10 major elements in Skylands, each of which has different effects. '''Boomstick: '''The Fire and Water disks can use… fire. And Water. No durr. '''Wiz: '''The Earth disks create small earthquakes, the Air disks can lift opponents into the air, the Life disks can slow opponents and poison them, and Tech and Undead disks create explosions, but the Undead disks create small spirits that attack the opponents, and his best disk is the Magic disk, which can slow down time around the opponent. '''Boomstick: '''But that’s not all! He can turn himself into a giant floating version of his head that can shoot eye lasers and create damaging sound waves out of its mouth! Because if you can have a giant floating head, why not? '''Wiz: '''He doesn’t just have a giant floating head. If his huge arsenal of magic attacks doesn’t get the job done, he has a personal plane that he calls… the Doom Jet! '''Boomstick: '''Geez, what’s this guys’ obsession with the word “Doom?”. ' '''Wiz: '''The Doom Jet is a fast, single-manned aircraft that can fire concentrated bursts of dark energy, and can use the same dark energy for a speed boost or a powerful ramming attack. '''Boomstick: '''He also has this throne… Mech thing that can create shockwaves, summon dark versions of the Skylanders, and even use the Eternal Sources of Water, Life, Fire, and… Undead… to use really powerful, bullet-hellish attacks! Damn, that thing is really OP! '''Wiz: '''No no no, Boomstick. The throne itself doesn’t do that. The final battle in the original Skylanders game had originally fooled the writer of this battle into thinking that… '''Boomstick: '''Wait, what? '''Wiz:' But in actuality, Kaos summons the Dark Skylanders, and his four-headed Hydra is what used the Eternal sources to create the bullet hells. In other words, the Hydra and the dark Skylanders won’t be used due to it being outside help. Boomstick: '''So… the mech’s pretty much useless? '''Wiz: '''Unfortunately, the mech only creates shockwaves… and not much else. '''Boomstick: '''Aww… (Cue Inside Brain) '''Wiz: '''Speaking of final bosses, throughout Kaos’ series of… pretty ridiculous and convoluted plans, he has achieved several super forms. '''Boomstick: '''Like a giant robot, this… purple… rock… thing… and even a super-powered crystalline being that could go all Psycho Mantis on whatever poor Portal Master was facing him! '''Wiz: '''However, since it won’t be likely that he’ll be finding the Iron Fist of Arkus, a massive pile of petrified Darkness, or a bunch of Traptanium combined with 10,000-year-old cheese, we’ll just-- Scratch '''Boomstick: '''Whoa whoa Whoa! '''Wiz: '''What? '''Boomstick: '''Don’t just gloss over what you just said! I want some explanations! '''Wiz: '''I’ll tell you later. Anyways, since he probably won’t be getting his hands on those MacGuffins anytime soon, we’ll give him his most recent super form— '''Kaos: '''SUPREME EMPEROR KAOS, DARK OVERLORD OF THE UNIVERSE! '''Boomstick: '''Yeah. That. (Cue Emperor Kaos Battle) '''Wiz: '''In this form, he becomes charged with the power of the Darkness, increasing in size and gaining several new darkness-powered abilities, including teleportation, cloning himself, and creating giant hands holding giant swords. '''Boomstick: '''Geez, with all of these powers, he sounds like he’d be unstoppable. '''Wiz: '''The funny thing is, he would be unstoppable… except… well… '''Boomstick: '''He’s a complete moron? '''Wiz: '''Exactly. Kaos is obnoxious, delusional, overconfident, egotistical, and a walking, talking, inferiority complex. He hates sharing power with anyone, and will do whatever it takes to get back on top no matter what, including sabotaging fellow villains and even teaming up with the Skylanders on a few occasions, only to betray them when they were no longer needed. '''Boomstick: '''That, and every time he came remotely close to taking over Skylands, some runty Portal Master and their toy soldiers come and take him down. The Skylanders are the main SNAFU to every plan he comes up with! Destroy the only thing keeping the Darkness out of Skylands? Skylanders. Become ruler of a race of ancient robots? Skylanders. Trying to turn the animals in Skylands into evil monsters? Skylanders. Ask for help from mom? Skylanders. Make a machine that EATS THE F***ING SKY AND IS POWERED BY DARKNESS ITSELF, kidnap anyone even remotely related to the Skylanders, and cut off the links of every portal to Skylands? MOTHER F***ING SKYLANDERS!!!! '''Wiz: '''Still, it’s pretty impressive that the only thing able to take him down is an army of super-powered mutants. Without the Skylanders, almost nothing could stand in the way of Kaos. '''Boomstick: '''Except his mom. Or Doom Raiders. Or just his own big, dumbass head. '''Kaos: '''EH? My head is AWESOME, I tell you! FEAR IT! FEAR MY GIANT, FLOATING HEAD! Intermission '''Wiz: '''All right, the combatants are set! Let’s end this debate once and for all! '''Boomstick: '''It’s time for a DEATH BATTLE!!!!! DEATH BATTLE '''Date and Time: Friday, 5:29 PM Location: Space Head, Somewhere in Outer Space (Cue Solar Bowler) In the far reaches of outer space, Dr. Neo Cortex, N. Gin, N. Brio, Nina, and N. Tropy are in the process of getting chewed out by a very angry Uka Uka. “Imbeciles! Fools! Nincompoops!” Uka Uka yelled, enraged. “You idiots have failed me time and time again! Plan after ridiculous plan of yours has ended with you being made fools of by a braindead, orange rodent!!” Dr. N. Gin slowly raised his hand. “Technically, Master Uka Uka, bandicoots are marsupials—“ Cortex quickly slaps Gin to shut him up. “OW!! Thank you, Master! Eheheh!” N. Gin said, rubbing his hurting face. “Silence, fool!” Cortex hissed. He then turned and began to plead his case to the sinister mask floating above him. “Uka Uka, we’ve done everything in our power to stop that bandicoot! The only reason he’s still alive is because of his thick skull! Uka Uka paused and grinned widely. “You know what, Cortex? I can actually agree with you on that. You have done everything in your power.” Dr. Cortex was shocked to hear the cruel Uka Uka actually listened ''to something he said, much less ''agreed ''with him. “Oh! Uh… thank you Uka Uka—wait… what are you getting at?” Cortex questioned, cautiously sipping a mug of coffee. Uka Uka grinned evilly. “I’m merely agreeing that you’ve done everything you could…” He flew up into Cortex’s face, “In other words, your usefulness has run out! I’m going to replace you!” Hearing that familiar phrase made him spit out his coffee in shock. The scalding coffee nearly smothered N. Gin’s face, but it just missed him. “Oh, come on!” N. Gin whined. “Give him a chance to aim!” “Replacing me? Again?” Cortex asked in shock. “Have you learned nothing from last time? I mean, did you ''see ''the reviews of ‘Crash of the Titans’? Abysmal!” “Yes, I have learned a lesson.” Said Uka Uka, glaring at Cortex’s niece, Nina. “I’ve learned to ''NEVER ''trust a Cortex!” “Hey!” Nina yelled, offended. “That’s why…” Uka Uka continued, “I’ve recruited someone from… Outside of the family. This evil mastermind has come closer to conquering his world than you ever have or ever will!” Uka Uka looked towards a mechanical door. Suddenly, the mechanical door swishes open. “Gentlemen: Meet '''Kaos'!” Through the entrance, a tall green troll strides in. Cortex and his minions look at him incredulously. “You’re replacing me with that?” Cortex asked in disbelief. “He looks like he crawled out of a sewer! How is he superior to me?” Suddenly, a loud voice pipes up from behind the troll. “Eh? Glumshanks! Get out of my way! You’re ruining my dramatic entrance!” The tall troll jumped.' “'Oh! Uh, sorry, Lord Kaos.” He muttered. The troll steps aside to reveal a small, bald man with intricate face marks wearing a long robe. Looking around the room, he smirks evilly. “Dr. Neo Periwinkle Cortex, I presume?” he said, walking up to the doctor. “Of course, you probably already know who I am, so I’ll spare the introductions and cut to the chase. I’ll be taking over your little operation, effective immediately.” Dr. Cortex, N. Gin, and all of the other minions struggled to hold back their laughter. Unable to hold back, the group bursts out laughing at the diminutive mastermind. Quickly, Dr. Cortex regains his composure and walks over to Kaos. “Aww… aren’t you adorable!” Cortex asked, condescendingly. “What’s your name little fella? I might have some snacks if you want some!” Kaos, now boiling over with rage, rises into the air, a projection of his giant head appearing behind him. “ENOUGH!!!” yelled Kaos and his massive head simultaneously. “I will not suffer your ridicule any longer! Bow before me or face your unimaginable doom!” Cortex’s minions, upon seeing the intimidating Portal master, back into the corner of the room. Cortex, however, remains steadfast, looking at the floating Kaos, unamused. Kaos looked down in confusion. “Eh? What? Why are you not cowering before my supreme awesomeness???” “Oh, cut the theatrics, baldy.” Cortex scoffs. “It’ll take more than a few ridiculous-looking holographic projections to scare me!” Kaos was furious. Who does this upstart doctor think he is? “YOU HAVE MADE A MOCKERY OF ME FOR THE LAST TIME!!” Kaos growled. Kaos’s giant head shoots lasers from its eyes at Cortex. Milliseconds before being hit by the lasers, Cortex teleports away from him and ends up across the room by his subordinates. The lasers hit the large table in the center of the room, turning it to ash. “OK… This is new.” Cortex muttered, holding his chin. “N. Gin,” Cortex yells at his quivering subordinate, “get everyone out of here. I don’t want you oafs getting in my way. N. Gin snaps to attention. “Yes, master! Um… everyone to the lounge!” (Cue "Rooftop Rampage") Cortex’s minions, along with Glumshanks, made their way out of the room. Once everyone else had left, Kaos’ head reverted back to its normal size as he landed on the ground. Cortex activates the rockets on his heels, floating in the air. “I don’t care what Uka Uka says,” Cortex yells, pointing at Kaos, “I will not be replaced by the likes of you!” Fight! Kaos leaps back and throws two white balls of energy at the floating scientist. Cortex ducks under one and dives to avoid the other. Regaining his balance in the air, Cortex whips out his ray gun and fires a barrage of plasma blasts at Kaos, who manages to block two with energy spheres, but the rest hit him dead on. While Kaos was dazed, Cortex switches the dial on his gun to “Disintegrate”. However, before he can fire, Kaos creates a disk below Cortex. A life symbol appears on the disk. Suddenly, a thorny vine lashes out from the disk, grabbing Cortex by the leg. “Let go, you stupid weed!” Cortex yelps in pain. He then fires a disintegration blast at the vine. The vine quickly turns to dust and Cortex shakes his leg free. “Ah. That’s better.” Mutters Cortex, relieved. “Now where was—" Cortex is interrupted by a ball of energy hitting him square in the forehead, sending him spinning. As Cortex struggles to regain his balance, another ball of energy hits his right foot, blowing up the rocket and sending him flying around the room, confused and screaming. Kaos watches the mad scientist fly around the room and begins laughing uproariously. However, his laughter is interrupted by the floundering Cortex crashing into him headfirst, sending both sprawling across the floor. Cortex quickly gets up and shakes himself off, while Kaos gets up slowly, still in somewhat of a daze. “Fear my giant, floating head…” Kaos slurs. Cortex, now aggravated at this punk, is reminded of his other aggravation, Crash. Remembering something he wanted to try, he quickly spins around, delivering a lariat to the dazed Kaos, sending him quite some distance. “Huh. I always wondered why that bandicoot kept spinning,” Cortex mumbles to himself. “It’s pretty effective! I should try that more often!” “'''Try THIS!” Yells Kaos, gesturing to the floor. “DOOM SHARK!” Seemingly out of nowhere, a black, evil-looking shark shoots forward towards the doctor. Right before the shark can bite off one of Cortex’s legs, he begins spinning at a blinding speed and warps to the side of it. “WHAT? How did you avoid my Doom shark?” Kaos asks, dumbfounded. Cortex scoffs. “'I’m an evil scientist specializing in animal mutation. You think I haven’t dealt with sharks before?” Growling, Kaos summons wave after wave of Doom Sharks. Cortex grins, spinning and warping through each wave, inching closer and closer to the dark Portal Master. As Kaos prepares to summon another wave of sharks, he is interrupted by Cortex head-butting him in the stomach. Kaos, now doubled over, looks up and sees Cortex’s ray gun pointed at his forehead. He freezes in fear as Cortex begins laughing. '“'Hahahaha! I can’t believe I was about to be replaced by someone whose strongest attack is throwing fish! Now, then… Any last words before I turn you into a bald puddle?” Kaos says nothing and merely points to the floor. The second Cortex looks at the floor, he finds that he is unable to move. The only thing he can see is a purple disk with a fancy, star-like symbol. Kaos takes advantage of the paralyzed Cortex to jump away from the ray gun and summon another disk in place of the Magic disk: The Earth Disk. Cortex, although now able to move, is shaken up and bounced around by the force of a powerful earthquake. Kaos then casts the Air disk, sending Cortex flying toward the ceiling. Seconds before his opponent hits the ceiling, Kaos casts a Tech disk at the point where Cortex would land. Upon hitting the ceiling, the disk explodes, rocketing the hurting doctor face-first into the cold metal floor, leaving a Cortex-shaped dent. “NOW do you see my power, fool?” Kaos taunts. “You’re dealing with a real Dark Portal Master! HAHAHAHAHA!” Cortex peels himself off of the floor, spits out some blood into the dent, and glares with malice at his laughing foe. “Y… You call that power?” Cortex wheezes. “I deal with ''rodents ''more powerful than you on a daily basis! Don’t get a big head!” “Big head?” Kaos pauses in thought for a second, then grins. “Good idea!” In a matter of seconds, Kaos transforms from a short imp to a massive, realistic, blue version of his head. The large head of Kaos looms over Cortex, but the doctor doesn’t bat an eye. “Really?” Cortex laughs, “You’re resorting to intimidation? You won’t scare me with that stupid holographic—“ The giant head lets out a powerful roar, shaking the Space Head as well as splattering Cortex with saliva and blowing his hair back. When the roar subsides, Cortex looks up at the head, wide-eyed and drenched in sweat. His hands shake and his knees buckle as he slowly backs away. “Well now, would you look at the time!” Cortex says, nervously. “I really should be getting back to Wumpa Island, I mean I might have left the stove on and I forgot to make sure Crash doesn’t pee on my sofa and—“ With a loud, high-pitched scream, Cortex runs, arms flailing, through a pair of sliding doors, which quickly shut behind him. Kaos’ massive head shoots an eye laser at the door, blowing it up. When the smoke clears, Kaos can see Cortex jetting through the long hallway on his hover board. Kaos roars and follows after him. Part 1.5: Meanwhile... Meanwhile, in the lounge… (Cue “N-Gin Boss Fight”) N. Gin, Nina, and Glumshanks are sitting around a table drinking tea and talking to each other. “And then he just fires me!” Glumshanks says, upset. “ME! I mean, I’m his butler and, truth be told, I’m probably the only person that takes him seriously, and he just gets rid of me!” “Buddy, my friend, I can relate.” Says N. Gin, consolingly. “I’ve been abused by the master more times than I can count. Granted, I like it when he hurts me, but I feel your pain.” Nina scoffs.' “'Hey, at least he didn’t cut off your hands and replace them with robot hands.” “Ooohoohooh! That sounds like fun!” says N. Gin, excited. “All I have is this stupid rocket in my head…” Glumshanks looks at him with curiosity. “I’ve actually been meaning to ask, but…” he points to the missile. “How did you get that stuck in your head?” “Ah! I’m glad you asked! You see— “ N. Gin’s story is interrupted by the sound of screaming outside the lounge room followed by the sound of a distorted voice shouting “GET BACK HERE!!!!”. “What was that noise?” Glumshanks asks, concerned. “Sounds like my uncle and your bald friend are trying to kill each other.” Nina says, flatly. There is a long moment of silence. “Want to watch?” Nina asks. “I think I can access some of the security cameras on the TV in my room.” “I… I guess.” Glumshanks reluctantly replies. N. Gin claps excitedly. “I’ll grab the popcorn! Eheheheh!” Meanwhile, back at the plot… Part 2: Run, Cortex, Run (Cue “Evilocity”) Cortex races down the curving hall as fast as his hover board would go, with Kaos’ giant head hot on his heels. Cortex spins around and throws a bomb at the pursuing head, who blasts it with an eye laser, blowing it up before it could make contact. Bursting through the smoke left behind, Kaos’ head lunges forward, trying to bite the hovering scientist out of the air. With a yipe, Cortex swerves to avoid being eaten. Kaos fires eye lasers at the fleeing Cortex, who swerves and ducks to try to avoid them. Eventually, one of the lasers makes contact with Cortex’s hover board, but is repelled by the hover board’s shield. “Ha! Good try, mega-head!” Cortex taunts. “But not good enough! Muhuhahahaha!” Cortex begins throwing more bombs at Kaos, each one hitting him in his over-sized face, but not slowing him down in the slightest. Cortex sees the shield around the hover board dissipate. “Oh dear…” whimpers Cortex. Kaos fires another eye laser that hits Cortex’s hover board thruster, causing an explosion that throws Cortex off of it and sends him tumbling across the ground before skidding to a halt. “Curses!” Cortex yells, pounding the ground. “I just got that thing painted!” Seeing Cortex helpless on the ground, Kaos rushes at full speed towards him. Cortex, running out of options, throws bombs at the oncoming head, but they seem to do no damage to it. Cortex braces himself for the pain… WARRRP. Kaos’ head shrinks back to its original size. The now shrunken Kaos falls to the ground, quickly getting back up and dusting himself off. “GAAAAH!” Kaos yells, stomping his foot. “Ran out of time! AGAIN!” Both fighters, seemingly powerless, look at each other with uncertainty. “You’re pretty powerful, I’ll give you that.” Cortex mutters. “Well, duh! That’s what I’ve been saying this whole time!” “Tell you what, cue ball…” Cortex says, trying to appear friendly. “How about we stop this fighting and work together? That way we can do twice the evil!” “Hmmm… Twice the evil, eh?” Kaos says to himself. “Make it three times and you’ve got yourself a deal! And I’m in charge, got it?” “Heheheh… whatever you say.” Cortex extends his hand As the two villains shake hands, Kaos smirks. “Heheheheh… Yes…” Kaos thinks to himself. “I’ll just use you as a soldier and strategist and then I’ll dispose of you like the garbage you are! And then, I’ll— “ Kaos’ train of thought is interrupted by a blast from Cortex’s Ray gun. Kaos is now paralyzed. “I honestly can’t believe you bought that!” Cortex laughs. “I’m EVIL! I don’t play well with others! Muhahahahaha!” Cortex, lifting a single finger, pushes Kaos’ statue-like body over. Once it falls to the floor with a loud “clank”, Cortex begins walking down the hallway at a slow, leisurely pace. “You sit tight, little fella,” Cortex’s voice echoes through the hall. “I’ll be right back to… clean up the garbage.” Kaos, paralyzed, could only listen as Cortex’s laughter echoes through the hall. Later… “L-Lord Kaos! Get up!” Slowly, Kaos’ eyes open. The first thing Kaos sees upon waking is his troll butler vigorously shaking him. Seeing that his master was awake, he breathes a sigh of relief. “Oh! Lord Kaos! Are you OK?” Glumshanks feels a hard backhand across his face. “Get your grubby hands off me, fool!” Kaos yells, getting up. “Yep…” Glumshanks sighs. “You’re OK.” Why are you even here? I don't need your help!" Kaos yells at his butler. "W-well..." Glumshanks mumbles, "I was watching you two fight from one of the security cameras, but when you got paralyzed, I ran here to make sure you were all right." Kaos brushes himself off and looks around, infuriated. He is still in the same hallway. “Where did that no-good, back-stabbing scientist run to?” “Um… he probably went towards the control room.” Glumshanks says, pointing down the hall. Kaos stomps in the direction Glumshanks pointed, muttering insults. Glumshanks follows slowly behind him. Part 3: Enter Mecha-Bandicoot Eventually, Kaos and Glumshanks find a large door with a sign above it reading “Control Room”. Kaos quickly places several tech disks on the door. With a violent explosion, the door flies into the control room, clattering and clunking across the metal floor. Kaos storms into the surprisingly wide control room when he hears a voice echoing throughout the metallic room. “You know, all you had to do was knock.” Kaos’ gaze darts around the room, seething with anger. “STOP RUNNING FROM ME, YOU SQUARE-HEADED DOUBLE-CROSSER!” Kaos shouts. “Oh, I wasn’t running ''from you…” Cortex’s voice echoes. (Cue “Neo Cortex Metal Remix”) Suddenly, the center of the floor opens up, and Cortex’s head slowly rises up from the opening, followed by a massive, red robot shaped like a large, muscular rodent. Cortex leaps into the driver’s seat and presses the power button, making the Mecha-Bandicoot rumble to life. “I was running to THIS!” Kaos, seeing the giant robot, then remembers something. "You may have a pretty impressive robot, doctor," Kaos says, pulling out a remote, "but I too have a mech suit!" Kaos presses a button on the remote, and... nothing happens. He presses it repeatedly. Still nothing. “GLUMSHANKS!” Kaos yells. “Where is my mech suit?” “I… I’m not sure…” Glumshanks responds, weakly. “I think it might still be on the Doomstation!" The large robot leaps directly in front of Kaos and roars in his face. “Uh oh…” Kaos whimpers, turning pale. He quickly turns around and runs, feverishly pressing the button, just as the robot’s chainsaw arm swings down, narrowly missing him and lodging itself into the floor. “Grrr!” Cortex growls, trying to dislodge the chainsaw, “Hold still while I murder you!” Mecha Bandicoot pulls its chainsaw arm out of the floor and launches a series of missiles at Kaos. Kaos narrowly dodges a missile by diving out of the way. He then uses an Air disk to launch himself out of the path of two more missiles, landing on his stomach and crushing the remote. "Oops..." Kaos mutters. The Mecha Bandicoot reels back and launches a ball of plasma at Kaos. Kaos, as a last-ditch effort, throws a magic sphere at the oncoming blast. Surprisingly, the ball that Kaos threw repels the plasma, sending it back and hitting the Mecha Bandicoot in the chest, knocking it off of its feet and falling on its rear. The Mecha Bandicoot gets up and stomps its foot in anger. “Tricky little vermin!” yells an aggravated Cortex. “You won’t get another lucky shot like that again!” Suddenly, there was a massive “CRASH” behind him. Cortex turns around and sees that a blue, throne-like machine had smashed through one of the windows of the Space Head, crashing beside Kaos and creating a large shockwave that knocked Cortex out of the Mecha Bandicoot. Cortex slowly gets up and sees the damage that Kaos’ mech had caused. “YOU FOOL!” shouts Cortex. “DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU’VE DONE?” he looks at the shattered window. “With a hole that large, the Space Head will end up imploding in on itself! If I don’t get out of here, I’ll die with it!” Kaos looks at his wrecked mech suit and clenched his fists. “GLUMSHANKS!” he yells at his butler. “WHAT DID YOU DO?” Glumshanks, however, had already fled from the control room. Kaos and Cortex could see several objects being sucked out through the hole into the blackness of space. Looking out of the hole, Kaos saw the looming silhouette of his Doomstation in the distance. Kaos grins and snaps his fingers. A portal opens up beside him, and out of the portal flies a black/ dark purple jet. “Well, you have fun with that!” Kaos yells to Cortex, hopping into the Doom Jet. “I have places to be, worlds to conquer… you know how it is!” Part 4: Space Race (Cue "Drive the Deathbot like you Stole it") As soon as Kaos revs the engine, the jet rockets through the broken window, heading towards the large station in the distance. “Get back here, you little weasel!” Cortex yells at the escaping jet. As he yells, Cortex sees a jetpack out of the corner of his eye that is being sucked towards the gaping hole. Realizing that he couldn’t allow the Dark Portal Master to escape with his life, he jumps at the jetpack and grabs it, putting it on, and flies into space after Kaos. Kaos, however, was already quite a ways away. “Curses,” snarls Cortex. “I’ll never catch him if he keeps going that speed.” Cortex quickly whips out his ray gun, aims, and fires a string of red energy blasts at one of the thrusters on the jet, causing a small explosion and slowing the mech down. Seeing that his shots hit their mark, Cortex jets forward. “Muhuhuhahaha…” Cortex laughs to himself. “You won’t get away from me that easily, meddlesome brat!” Kaos, now significantly slower, presses every button he could think of to try and get his jet back up to speed. “Come on… Come on, stupid plane!” Kaos hears Cortex’s jetpack catching up to him. Out of options, Kaos spins the jet around, ready to deal with Cortex. “I hope you don’t get too attached to that little jetpack of yours…” Kaos mutters, preparing to shoot him down. Once he had locked on to Cortex, Kaos fires multiple Doom Energy Balls at him. Cortex, seeing the shots come towards him, fires more plasma at them, countering the projectiles. Cortex, now jetting very quickly towards his target, aims his ray gun at Kaos’ head. However, when Cortex pulls the trigger, the ray gun merely clicks and sputters. “Oh, sure!” Cortex says, exasperated, “NOW you run out of ammo!” Unfortunately for Cortex, he is so focused on sassing an inanimate object, he forgets that he is still in mid-flight. When he realizes that fact, his head had already collided with the front of the Doom Jet, knocking him unconscious. Kaos, not expecting that outcome, sits there in stunned silence. “Well… that was easier than I thought. Back to the Doomstation!” Kaos quickly spins the Doom Jet around and flew towards his station. As Kaos flies away, however, Cortex slowly wakes up. “Urgh…” Cortex groans, “What happened last night?” He looks around and remembers what he is doing. He then sees the Doom Jet roaring towards a massive, purple space station. Cortex grits his teeth and tries to start up the jetpack. However, instead of jetting forward, the jetpack slowly sputters forward at a snail’s pace. Cortex sighs and readies himself for a long trip. Part 5: The Final Confrontation Kaos storms into the main control center of the Doomstation. “Stupid, lousy, Doctor…” He mutters. “Not only have I lost a potential interstellar outpost thanks to him, but I lost my mech-suit, my dignity, and… I feel like there’s something else I’m forgetting…” Outside of the Doomstation, a loud “BOOM” shakes the entire fortress. Kaos looks out the front window and sees the imploded wreckage of the Space Head scattered everywhere. “Oh yeah,” Kaos mutters, embarrased. “I forgot Glumshanks. Oh well. I’ll just get a new one as soon as I get back to—“ “You won’t be going anywhere, cretin.” (Cue "Against Kaos") Kaos quickly spins around and sees, to his surprise and horror, Dr. Neo Cortex, glaring at him with hatred. “Th-that’s impossible!” Kaos shrieks, astonished. “I left you to die in space! How are you still alive???” “That doesn’t matter,” retorts the doctor. “I plan to destroy you… HERE AND NOW!” As he says that, Cortex pulls a bottle filled with a mysterious green goo out of his pocket. “Sigh, I never enjoy using this stuff…” He moans, removing the cork off of the bottle. “Oh well… Over the lips, past the gums… look out, ringworm, here it comes!” In one swift movement, Cortex holds his nose and downs the entire bottle of liquid. He throws the bottle to the ground, shattering it. “BLECH! Hmm… you know it actually didn’t taste too— “ Cortex’s sentence is interrupted as the Mutation Formula began to take effect. His body spastically twitches as he begins to change. His arms and shoulders quickly grow, ripping through his lab coat. A thin slime begins to drip from the corner of his mouth and his eyes become a sickly green. The now hulking Cortex pounds the ground and roars at Kaos, who quickly runs from the beastly scientist. Cortex chases after him until he stops in front of a column of morphing, black… something. Cortex doesn’t wait to see what Kaos plans to do and grabs the portal master with one of his massive fists, preparing to crush him into paste. Suddenly, the dark substance morphs out of the column and surrounds Cortex’s fist. Cortex wraps his other fist around it to try to keep whatever was in there contained. With a blast of dark energy, Cortex’s fists are forced open. “You may have come close to defeating me, fool, but now, you have to deal with SUPREME EMPEROR KAOS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Kaos has now grown to twice his size and is surrounded by red lightning. Cortex roars at the powered-up Kaos. The final fight is about to begin. Cortex makes the first attack by delivering a punch to Kaos’ face. As the fist made the connection, however, Kaos dissipates. Cortex feels a hand tap his shoulder. He quickly spins around, swinging his fist again, but there is nothing there. “I’m over here, fool!” says a voice to his right. Again, Cortex swing and hits nothing. Suddenly, multiple Kaos’ appear all around him, laughing. They each have their arms held over their heads, creating a purple ball of energy. Cortex, unsure about which one is real, spins around with his arms extended, causing most of the Kaos’ to dissipate and sending one flying. “Gh!” Kaos groans, not expecting to be hit. “Lucky shot… Now I’ll put an end to this!” With a wave of his arms, two large, red, clawed hands appear on either side of Kaos. Cortex swings his right fist at Kaos. One of the hands catches it by the wrist. Cortex swings his left fist. The other hand grasps it tightly. Cortex struggles to break free, but the hands are gripping too tight. One of Kaos’ hands pulls back Cortex’s fist and makes it connect with his face. The other hand begns to do the same. “Stop hitting yourself!” Kaos jeers, repeatedly delivering blows to the doctor with his own fists. “Stop hitting yourself!” Kaos hand then forces Cortex’s right fist into his stomach. The blow causes the doctor to let out a burp directly in Kaos’ face. Kaos reels back in disgust. “EWWW!” Kaos wretches. “It smells like mints and vomit! I think I'm gonna barf…” With Kaos distracted, Cortex wrenches his arms free and connects a punch square into his jaw, laying Kaos out flat. With Kaos seemingly incapacitated, Cortex backs up and jumps into the air, belly-flopping on top of Kaos. Once Cortex lands, however, he doesn’t feel anything beneath him other than the cold floor. Then, he feels something. Pain. A searing pain ripping through his spine. Kaos had teleported at the last second and impaled Cortex with a giant sword. Cortex slowly gets back up, pain shooting through his body with every move he makes. He turns and sees Kaos grinning. Cortex slowly raises his fist to punch at Kaos again. Kaos’ red hand wraps tightly around it. “Now now, I think we’ve had just about enough of that.” Kaos sneers, snapping Cortex’s wrist with his hand. Cortex, overwhelmed by pain, falls to his knees. Kaos then has his other hand grab Cortex on the back of his head. “Now, doctor…” says Kaos, menacingly, “I think that this fight is over. But I still need one more thing from you before I destroy you.” Cortex says nothing. He just gasps shallow breaths. “I want you…” Kaos wrenches Cortex’s head back… “TO BOW!!” And proceeds to smash it full force into the floor, splattering it. Kaos slowly transforms back into his original self. He looks at the corpse of Dr. Cortex. “Hmm… I should probably tell Glumshanks to clean this up… Oh wait.” K.O.!!!! Results (Cue “Kaos’ Theme”) is seen scraping up Cortex with his giant sword. Boomstick: HOLY SHIT! Somebody call a doctor! Oh wait… He’s dead. Wiz: Cortex may have had a wide arsenal and a vastly higher IQ than Kaos, but Kaos’ powerful dark magic countered every advantage he had. Boomstick: Not to mention that it takes a whole freaking army to stop Kaos, while Cortex’s plans are always stopped by one mutated rodent. Wiz: Marsupial… Boomstick: Shut it. Wiz: Anyways, Cortex’s gadgets have their limits, while the infinite power of the Darkness provided Kaos with a steady stream of power. Boomstick: Cortex just got N-ded. Wiz: The winner is Kaos. Next Time (Cue "Oh My") Deleted Scene “GLUMSHANKS!” Kaos yells. “Where is my mech suit?” Glumshanks couldn’t quite hear him. “Wh-what?” Cortex pulls the chainsaw out of the floor. “WHERE. IS. MY. MECH. SUIT????” Mecha Bandicoot launches a series of missiles at Kaos. “I… I’m not sure…” Glumshanks responds, weakly. "Why do you need to know?" Kaos narrowly dodges a missile by diving out of the way. '''Kaos: '''I NEED IT!!! Kaos uses an Air disk to launch himself out of the path of two more missiles. '''Glumshanks: '''I-I’m trying to remember! Just give me a second to think! Mecha Bandicoot begins charging a plasma blast. '''Kaos: '''JUST TELL ME WHERE MY SUIT IS, GLUMSHANKS!!! WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE GREATER EVIL, HERE!! Glumshanks feverishly thought. Finally, the answer came to him. '''Glumshanks: '''I think it might still be on the Doomstation! I’ll see if I can get it sent here! Mecha Bandicoot reeled back and launched a ball of plasma at Kaos. THIS DIALOGUE WAS DELETED BECAUSE OF REASONS. Author Comments Hoo, boy. This is probably the Battle that took the longest for me to write. You can probably tell why. I thought it turned out OK. Tell me what you think, and... gimme a little break before the next one. Not that people are beating down my door forcing me to write at gunpoint or anything. I just want this next one to be... Special. Oh, yes. very special. Category:What-If? Death Battles Category:'Villain vs. Villain' Themed Death Battles Category:Magic vs Technology themed DEATH BATTLEs Category:Flip D. Switch Category:'Video Games' themed Death Battles Category:Main Antagonist Duel Category:Completed What-If? Death Battles Category:'Rivalry' themed Death Battles Category:What-If? Death Battles completed in 2016